I've been awake for a bit. Not really sure why I can't sleep, especially considering I feel like that's all I've been doing for almost a week. Anyway, not the point. Since I can't sleep I've been taking stock of things in my life and I am so excited for where this journey is taking me.
I've literally been sitting here feeling this overwhelming amount of love for my daughter. When I imagine her tiny little body being placed in my arms for the first time I getting giddy/goofy and just want the day to get here faster. Oh sure I have times of feeling incredibly anxious and scared and start thinking about all the horrible things that could happen to her, but then I remember that from the very beginning, she was meant to be.
For whatever reason I always felt like we would have a little girl first. Whenever I would write out our kids names (yes, I dreamt of them like a school girl dreams about marrying her crush,) Karyanna was always first. It wasn't until we talked about "preferences" a couple years ago that I decided I liked the idea of a 'big-brother' better so I tried switching things up, but she's always been first. I'm seriously so excited to FINALLY get to meet her!
Sometimes I feel like this precious child will never understand how excited her Daddy and I are for her, but then I realize someday she will be having kids of her own (holy crap I can't even think about that!) and then maybe she will get it. I know I sure didn't. It's funny to me how different stages of life bring forth new understanding and patience for the adults in your life. Becoming and aunt made me realize why my aunts and uncles were pushing to spend time with us and becoming parents makes me think back to all the arguments, tears and pains between me and my parents and just gives me a little understanding into why the reacted the way they did (sorry guys!)
This whole experience has brought about a new kind of love for my husband too. Though there was never any doubt, he really is going to be the best Daddy ever! I love how excited he is to teach her things, the guide her, to love her and show her how she deserves to be treated. I am so grateful for all the incredible men he's had in his life to be a shinning example. And beyond all that, he has been so patient, loving and kind to me through this pregnancy. I never knew one man could have so much understanding for something he will never experience. Anytime I'm fraught over this pain or that he reminds me why it's happening, asks if there's anything he can do to help, and then promptly does it. I just pray every single day that I can continue to deserve his love, because it is indescribably the most important thing in my life.
Anyway, I'll try to keep this short, especially since my last couple posts have been quite long! We've got about nine weeks before we get to meet this awesome little girl and I just can't hardly wait!