A Rough Night

Oh man, last night was a doozy!

     I went to bed around 11 pm as usual, didn't get to sleep until 12:30 am-ish as usual, Karyanna woke up around 4 as usual. But not-as-usual, she didn't want to go back to sleep. Also not-as-usual, she could hardly nurse.  Every time she got going she'd choke because she could breathe because she has a stuffed up nose. But her not sleeping had nothing to do with her being sick, or at least I assume so.

     Also very not-as-usual, she wouldn't look at me.  I feel like, if you've seen Snuffy around me, you wouldn't believe that, because aside from the comments of how pretty she is, the second (or third) most common comment I get is how much she focuses on just me. It's always warmed my heart, but I assure people she really is a Daddy's Girl. 

     It scared me though. The child literally would not look at me. I'd move her, I'd move me, I'd make noises (good and bad) and the most I'd get was a millisecond glance. So great, not only is my child not eating, she also won't look at me. 

     I started to worry. "Oh no, is this her weaning? Is she becoming a teenager already? Did I do something that offends a 5-month-old? Is she done nursing for good." (Calm down mama, breath, she's sick, that's all.) 

     An hour had gone by, at this point I could barely keep my eyes open and she was playing, as well as not looking at me...or eating, so I moved positions and had us perpendicular on the bed. [Don't worry, it didn't bother Nick, because he's sick as well, he was snoozing on the couch.] I gave up when that didn't change anything and let myself nod off and figure she'll play until she's ready to sleep or nurse. I couldn't have been out for ten minutes when a thud and bloody-murder-screaming-baby woke me up.

     Panic. Adrenaline. Snuggles. Nursing. Puking.  That all happened within thirty seconds. Naturally then I was scared she had a bad concussion. (Isn't puking a sign of concussion?) Still the child wouldn't look at me, so I called Nick in and as soon as she was in his arms BAM! the little stinker looks right over at me!

     Awesome.  We assess that she is, in fact probably okay.  She won't really nurse, or look at me again, so I give up and move to the couch.  I'm fighting my hardest to hold back the tears and Nick takes her and BAM! she's staring at me again...even cracks a smile. Cue the most relieved sob-fest I've ever had! The whole time he was holding her she was looking and smiling at me. My baby really IS okay!

After about a half hour we move back to the bed. It's just after 6 am and Nick should be getting up soon.  We crawl in, she nurses great and we both sleep for three hours. I'm still tired now, but she's just wanted to snuggle all day and whenever I lay her down (except for naps) she starts crying...I'm alright with that though, because after last night, I kinda need the snuggles too!

A Letter to My Daughter

To my dearest Karyanna,

I love you. I can't think of any other way to put it. I watch you sleep every night and I thank God that I get the privilege of being your mommy.  I  am absolutely in awe of you. 

You are so beautiful, so fragile, and completely the center of my world right now. I'm sure that as you get older we'll have our arguments; you wil frustrate me and I will annoy you, but for now we are us. 

We literally spend all day everyday together. When it's time for you to go to sleep we are both ready for it, but after its been a couple hours, I'm ready to swoop you up and crawl into bed. Sometimes it's hard not to wake you up if you're taking a long nap, because I just miss you! 

Being your mother is truly my greatest accomplishment ever. I feel fiercely protective over you. I'm sorry if that gets in the way of things later. Hopefully, when you have children of your own you will be able to understand. 

I want you to know you will never be too old for a hug or a kiss from me (or from your dad!) there is not a thing you could do that can stop the love I have for your in my heart. Nothing can replace you, nothing can weaken how I feel. 

I love watching your little mind work and grow and gain new comprehension everyday. You have the happiest, most loving little personality. And you are SO beautiful! Everywhere I go people stop me to look at you. My darling you were designed to stand out. I pray that you use that magnetism to love on people and make lives better. 

You are my little sun. Thank you for coming into my life. I love you!

Mi propia vida